Letter to Larry

Dear Big Brother

You were four years old when I was born. I don't know what your first memory of me was. I don't know what my first memory of you was. I do have a ton of memories of you though. Some are fuzzy with time passing. Some are invoked by pictures. All are precious.

Not in any order, some vivid ones are Mom making you get a switch off the bush between our house and the Gangwer's next door for a whoopin'. Not sure if she ever used it on you, but she had a look that she gave me that stopped me from pushing the envelope. You, not so much. Rebel you were.

You running down the street when you were in trouble and her saying "that's ok, you'll come home when you are hungry".

You laying on the bedroom floor with headphones on listening to the Beatles. I think that is why I love them so much.

You and Terry making sure that John and I had a Christmas.

You and Terry letting me live with you. I think my payment was washing dishes and taking care of Lisa and Angela. My dolls.

You having a friend at Kerr that I married and had a child with.

You forgetting to tell me about the wedding shower for Chuck and me at Kerr.

You not dancing with me at a Kerr get together because "brothers don't dance with their sisters".

You never biting your tongue and always speaking your mind. which one of your daughters does that?

You starting to smoke cigarettes in your thirties so you could go to the smokehouse at Kerr to spy on your employees.

Your smile that always reached your eyes.

Your grunting when you ate. 

Riding in the backseat with Perry while you drove and Terry punched you whenever you looked at other girls. Should have paid attention to that wandering eye. You passed that on to me. Always wanting something else.

You "regifting" a candle to me and when I took it out of the box, it was used. It's the thought that counts.

So many more roll through my mind, mostly when i can't sleep and all I can think about is you.

I know you and I were not as close as some siblings, but I think we did ok in the grand scheme of things.

Know that you are in my heart and I love you.

Your baby sister.

Cancer, Disease, Lazy Eye and other stumbling blocks in life

After many years on the backburner, I am attempting to resurrect this rambling. It has been so long that the website changed from blogspot to blogger. I still know how to use it as little as I always did. Enjoy!

Recently, I had another family member diagnosed with cancer. This is a different monster than Mom's lung, Rick's brain, my breast, Bobby's prostate and way too many other nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, friends and neighbors who have and/or had the myriad incarnations.

Pancreatic cancer. 

Scary.

With the advances in medical care, research, treatments and other innovations, we are hoping it has reared it's ugly head and has turned around and gone the other direction.

Time will tell. 

Warriors never give up and never back down!

To be continued...dun dun

procrastinate much?

wow, it has been over two years since i posted on here according to the "last posted on april 12 2012" i just read when i clicked on my bookmark...

it is not that i don't have anything to say, it is that i am lazy...if it is not in front of me and i am not being pressured to do it, then it doesn't usually happen...that is the way i am wired...

this blog was triggered by my health issues and since i am doing pretty good in that department, at least better than when i first started writing, i have let it fall by the wayside...

every now and then i see someone else's blog link on facebook and how clever they write and think that i am pretty lame so who would want to read anything i have to say?

this is short and sweet and all i have for now...

maybe i will be creative in 2016?

has anyone missed me?

wow, it has been close to six months since i last wrote!

this time two years ago i was going through my breast cancer diagnosis and surgery and all the decisions and life changing thoughts that go with having this disease. reconstruction, chemotherapy, will i live or die? what a roller coaster it was for the longest time.  and still is.  every time i do a self exam i second and third guess whether or not that is a lump or from fat necrosis.  mark tempers me and calms me down and assures me that it will all be ok.  i would not have been able to get through this if not for him. i wish everyone had a mark. i would clone him and pass the faux marks to everyone!

i want everyone who has dealt with this, is dealing with this or will ever have to deal with this that my heart is with you! and that you know you are not alone and that it is not a death sentence. please continue to get your mammograms and do your self checks. guys too. and let the one you are closest to help so they know your body as good as you and can reassure you when you need it!

thank you for reading and listening to my words!

11/10/93

Dear Mom:

18 years ago today lung cancer tore you out of my life, but not out of my heart.  I wish you could be here to talk to and give me advice.  I took you for granted when I had you.  You were the best, always boosting me up, telling me to treat others the way I want to be treated, sacrificing for me.  Remember when Kim Badilla used to tell you all the stuff she and I would do? I thought I was getting away with murder, but you were just letting me be a teenager.

I saw a grief counselor today at Mark's work.  I felt you with me helping me deal with Dave's death.  Letting me know that I would get through it.  He was so much like you.  Never knew any strangers, just friends he hadn't met yet.  Always doing for others and never thinking about himself.  Taken too soon.  I hope you meet him and you become very good friends with him.  He can tell you all about how he supported me through my breast cancer ordeal, all the time dealing with his own stupid cancer.  I know you will like each other.

I love you and I will talk to you again like this because it really does help.  I know you are listening.  And looking out for me.

Your loving daughter, Rae.

my hero is gone

i was inspired by dave, he had esophageal cancer, went through radiation, surgery, radiation, surgery, and made me feel like i could get through my breast cancer battle breezily...

he died today...we were supposed to go to the movies, but we didn't get to...we just talked to him on the phone last night and although he sounded weak, we thought that everything would be fine...

cancer sucks dead donkey dicks...

i will miss dave's daily phone calls and our visits, he made us feel at home in our new home state of utah...

High School

this includes elementary and junior high also...

because i am connecting with people i attended throughout my school years

on facebook

it is so cool

people that wouldn't have been friends with me back then for various reasons

we had numerous elementary schools which fed into two junior high schools which fed into one high school

needless to say a lot of us were not friends because we didn't know each other in our early years so when we got to high school we were strangers...what are the chances of becoming friends with strangers in a class of over 500 students? not to mention the different subjects: english, math, science, social studies, music, different shops among others that kept students isolated from each other unless they met in the bathroom or outside the school to smoke?

i started a facebook page for my graduating class and i encourage everyone else to do the same...you meet the nicest, most friendly people the second time around!

as a p.s., i would tell those who are currently in school (or any other place in life) and feel left out or like you don't have any friends to reach out to someone now and don't wait 35 years like i did...it will be worth your while!