Letter to Larry

Dear Big Brother

You were four years old when I was born. I don't know what your first memory of me was. I don't know what my first memory of you was. I do have a ton of memories of you though. Some are fuzzy with time passing. Some are invoked by pictures. All are precious.

Not in any order, some vivid ones are Mom making you get a switch off the bush between our house and the Gangwer's next door for a whoopin'. Not sure if she ever used it on you, but she had a look that she gave me that stopped me from pushing the envelope. You, not so much. Rebel you were.

You running down the street when you were in trouble and her saying "that's ok, you'll come home when you are hungry".

You laying on the bedroom floor with headphones on listening to the Beatles. I think that is why I love them so much.

You and Terry making sure that John and I had a Christmas.

You and Terry letting me live with you. I think my payment was washing dishes and taking care of Lisa and Angela. My dolls.

You having a friend at Kerr that I married and had a child with.

You forgetting to tell me about the wedding shower for Chuck and me at Kerr.

You not dancing with me at a Kerr get together because "brothers don't dance with their sisters".

You never biting your tongue and always speaking your mind. which one of your daughters does that?

You starting to smoke cigarettes in your thirties so you could go to the smokehouse at Kerr to spy on your employees.

Your smile that always reached your eyes.

Your grunting when you ate. 

Riding in the backseat with Perry while you drove and Terry punched you whenever you looked at other girls. Should have paid attention to that wandering eye. You passed that on to me. Always wanting something else.

You "regifting" a candle to me and when I took it out of the box, it was used. It's the thought that counts.

So many more roll through my mind, mostly when i can't sleep and all I can think about is you.

I know you and I were not as close as some siblings, but I think we did ok in the grand scheme of things.

Know that you are in my heart and I love you.

Your baby sister.

Cancer, Disease, Lazy Eye and other stumbling blocks in life

After many years on the backburner, I am attempting to resurrect this rambling. It has been so long that the website changed from blogspot to blogger. I still know how to use it as little as I always did. Enjoy!

Recently, I had another family member diagnosed with cancer. This is a different monster than Mom's lung, Rick's brain, my breast, Bobby's prostate and way too many other nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, friends and neighbors who have and/or had the myriad incarnations.

Pancreatic cancer. 

Scary.

With the advances in medical care, research, treatments and other innovations, we are hoping it has reared it's ugly head and has turned around and gone the other direction.

Time will tell. 

Warriors never give up and never back down!

To be continued...dun dun

procrastinate much?

wow, it has been over two years since i posted on here according to the "last posted on april 12 2012" i just read when i clicked on my bookmark...

it is not that i don't have anything to say, it is that i am lazy...if it is not in front of me and i am not being pressured to do it, then it doesn't usually happen...that is the way i am wired...

this blog was triggered by my health issues and since i am doing pretty good in that department, at least better than when i first started writing, i have let it fall by the wayside...

every now and then i see someone else's blog link on facebook and how clever they write and think that i am pretty lame so who would want to read anything i have to say?

this is short and sweet and all i have for now...

maybe i will be creative in 2016?

has anyone missed me?

wow, it has been close to six months since i last wrote!

this time two years ago i was going through my breast cancer diagnosis and surgery and all the decisions and life changing thoughts that go with having this disease. reconstruction, chemotherapy, will i live or die? what a roller coaster it was for the longest time.  and still is.  every time i do a self exam i second and third guess whether or not that is a lump or from fat necrosis.  mark tempers me and calms me down and assures me that it will all be ok.  i would not have been able to get through this if not for him. i wish everyone had a mark. i would clone him and pass the faux marks to everyone!

i want everyone who has dealt with this, is dealing with this or will ever have to deal with this that my heart is with you! and that you know you are not alone and that it is not a death sentence. please continue to get your mammograms and do your self checks. guys too. and let the one you are closest to help so they know your body as good as you and can reassure you when you need it!

thank you for reading and listening to my words!

11/10/93

Dear Mom:

18 years ago today lung cancer tore you out of my life, but not out of my heart.  I wish you could be here to talk to and give me advice.  I took you for granted when I had you.  You were the best, always boosting me up, telling me to treat others the way I want to be treated, sacrificing for me.  Remember when Kim Badilla used to tell you all the stuff she and I would do? I thought I was getting away with murder, but you were just letting me be a teenager.

I saw a grief counselor today at Mark's work.  I felt you with me helping me deal with Dave's death.  Letting me know that I would get through it.  He was so much like you.  Never knew any strangers, just friends he hadn't met yet.  Always doing for others and never thinking about himself.  Taken too soon.  I hope you meet him and you become very good friends with him.  He can tell you all about how he supported me through my breast cancer ordeal, all the time dealing with his own stupid cancer.  I know you will like each other.

I love you and I will talk to you again like this because it really does help.  I know you are listening.  And looking out for me.

Your loving daughter, Rae.

my hero is gone

i was inspired by dave, he had esophageal cancer, went through radiation, surgery, radiation, surgery, and made me feel like i could get through my breast cancer battle breezily...

he died today...we were supposed to go to the movies, but we didn't get to...we just talked to him on the phone last night and although he sounded weak, we thought that everything would be fine...

cancer sucks dead donkey dicks...

i will miss dave's daily phone calls and our visits, he made us feel at home in our new home state of utah...

High School

this includes elementary and junior high also...

because i am connecting with people i attended throughout my school years

on facebook

it is so cool

people that wouldn't have been friends with me back then for various reasons

we had numerous elementary schools which fed into two junior high schools which fed into one high school

needless to say a lot of us were not friends because we didn't know each other in our early years so when we got to high school we were strangers...what are the chances of becoming friends with strangers in a class of over 500 students? not to mention the different subjects: english, math, science, social studies, music, different shops among others that kept students isolated from each other unless they met in the bathroom or outside the school to smoke?

i started a facebook page for my graduating class and i encourage everyone else to do the same...you meet the nicest, most friendly people the second time around!

as a p.s., i would tell those who are currently in school (or any other place in life) and feel left out or like you don't have any friends to reach out to someone now and don't wait 35 years like i did...it will be worth your while!

For Dave

My hero called me today to check on me because I had surgery last week. I won't go into the details of my situation right now, but the reason I am writing this is that he is going in for a PET scan tomorrow which will show whether or not his tumor has shrunk.  HIS tumor, but he is worried about me.

For those of you who have followed my very sporadic blogs, you know that I am talking about Dave Andersen, who is my hero. He works for my husband at Delta Air Lines as a mechanic.  He loves his job. He loves his wife. He loves his kids. He loves his grandchild and has another one on the way.

Prior to my breast cancer diagnosis last year, he was given the news that he had esophageal cancer. He underwent chemotherapy and radiation. That was followed by surgery to remove the esophagus. It was a long hard climb, but things improved for him. As it did for me, but my ordeal was minor compared to what he was going through. He was there for me every step of the way, even though he was in worse shape than I was.  If he wasn't calling me directly to see how I was doing, he called Mark to ask about me.

After six months, he recuperated enough to go back to work. He lives for work, his family and his friends.  But recently he lost his voice. He thought it was just a common case of laryngitis and that things were fine.  It turns out there was a lymph node that had grown and was pressing against his vocal cords.  He had more chemo then radiation and then a procedure to insert Teflon in an attempt to free up his vocal cord (don't ask me, but the medical profession must know what they are doing).  His voice slowly returned and now he is going to be waiting on pins and needles for the test results.

But he still called me to see how I was doing.

I would like everyone to do whatever it is they do in a time like this:

Pray, send good thoughts, love, hugs, vibes.

He deserves the best news ever.  Not only a shrinkage, but an obliteration.

tweet, tweet

heather thinks i should get a twitter account

because i say such witty stuff on facebook

i don't use very good punctuation and grammar even though it is my pet peeve in most instances

i would fit in on twitter, don't you think

except i would have to limit my characters to 140 per tweet

i am my mother's daughter, and anyone who knew my mother knows that it would be impossible for me to restrict myself in that manner

but you may see me out there soon so don't be surprised

heather is making me do this

it has been almost two months since i last blogged, did anyone miss me?

i have been pretty busy learning medical billing...i spent six weeks in michigan with my sister, who is technically my ex sister in law, but in actuality is my best friend...she is my teacher, she has her own business out of her home and she has the patience of a saint...

i didn't get to visit too much, but i did get to see two of my kids, heather and nick, along with my brothers larry and john and their families (almost all of their families, anyway), but i was there to learn, not socialize, right?

i did spend a lot of time with terry going back and forth to garden city hospital to visit her sister gladys, who was having stroke related health issues...

i am back home with my hubby, mark, who made my trip possible, and who waited patiently while i was gone...he did get his fix of mexican food, which i am not fond of, while i was gone...

on another subject, it has been almost a year since my breast cancer surgery, the mastectomy and reconstruction, and i am going for my annual check up on may 17th...if all is good i am going to have follow up surgery to repair some of the cosmetic aspects of the original procedure...

i will keep everyone updated on my schooling/national exam and my health, and hopefully it will not take two months to get back into this...

love and hugs to all!

medical billing training

just a quick post to brag that i got two 100% scores on practice tests so far...i am in michigan with my sister in law and she is teaching me a new skill...

Enquiring minds want to know...

hey everyone! updating you on my health:

i had two doctors appointments on tuesday and two on thursday:

tuesday i went to the general surgeon who did a breast exam and asked questions and said everything was good and would see me in three months for my year follow up...i will have a mammogram of the left side then and blood work to check my liver...

i also saw the reconstructive surgeon who is going to tweek the original work she did last year on my right breast that the general surgeon removed...she is also going to do a breast lift on both sides to even things out and my dog flaps from the tummy tuck will be going away...all this is follow up and is considered part of the legislation that requires insurers to cover women to have work done to restore them to as close to before the cancer surgery as possible...the abdomen is where the tissue came from to reconstruct the breast after the mastectomy...this is currently scheduled for april 21st but is contingent on blood work that will determine if my body is ready after having chemo...also pending an answer to how long after surgery am i able to have a mammogram, so it may not take place until after the may appointment with the general surgeon and radiologist...

thursday i saw the podiatrist...this has been an ongoing process for a couple of months as i have plantars faciitis and a pinched nerve in my right foot...he has been giving me injections and they have been helping, but i am not yet 100%...getting there slowly but surely...i will see how things are in about three weeks for further treatment by him...he also pumped up my orthodics and that has made a difference...

i also saw the oncologist and she did a physical examination and blood work and said she would see me in SIX months...that made me very happy to know that i am doing good enough to go that long until my next appointment with her...

my current blood work includes checking my a1c level to see how i am doing with my diabetes; testing for hiv, hepatitis and any other blood borne illnesses due to my transfusions when i was hospitalized back in october with an e coli infection; and checking my white cell count to see if my plastic surgeon can go ahead with my procedures soon...

all my doctors have given me instructions to not hesitate seeing them if i think i am having any trouble, though, and i am not to wait until my next appointments to have anything checked out...early detection improves the odds of treating and curing a recurrence and i am going to get my kicks on route 66 in about six years so i am taking every chance i get to stay on top of this disease!

i have to thank everyone for their prayers, vibes, thoughts, love and words of encouragement as i travel this road...being in utah without family or friends close has been extra difficult, but mark's work crew has shown so much support it has helped tremendously...facebook has been instrumental in me getting the word out en masse to everyone and keeping everybody so far away up to date...

i am not embarrassed or ashamed to say 'i love you' to you all!

family is everything

they make us who we are...or who we are not...nature versus nurture...can you be like your relatives if you were not raised with them? who knows, but i get to find out this summer when i meet long lost family members at a reunion in virginia! i am so excited to see people i have not seen in a while, but even more geeked to meet people i never knew existed, much less were related to me!

my only sadness about the whole event is that there are not going to be family members there that would have loved to be...the ones that have passed on...mom, especially mom, she thought funerals were social events, she lived such a sheltered life and lived far away from her loved ones...she only got to see some of them on a hurried trip to bail out one of my dad's brothers from jail or to see his dying mother in the hospital, only to find when we got to west virginia, mammaw was standing in the kitchen cooking!

ned, who died way too young, at age 27, from kidney disease...he would have been a hoot! and everyone would have loved him!

rick, who also died way too young, at age 52, from brain cancer...he is still the family hero with his kindness and unselfishness passed down to his children, sara beth, who is organizing the reunion, philip and chris.

and granny roten, mamie dell austin roten...i cried at her viewing because i was staring at her hands and thinking about all the crafts and clothes and other items i would sit and watch her make in her resale shop down on the main drag...baby brother john and i got the joy of spending the summer with her in 1976...she never made us feel like we were intruding or being in her way...she loved us because we were her daughter's children.

there are numerous and sundry others who will be missing, and missed, in june, as at all times, and i can't wait to learn about them!

love while you have them with you, because you will miss them when they are gone...FAMILY!

follow up to learning to scan

my apologies in advance for when we retire and start visiting everyone...it seems we will be spending extra time with mark's cousin :Mary and her clan, probably a month or so (compared to the average week i anticipate with everyone else)...our payment for staying there is to look at pictures, and anyone who knows me, knows i HATE (she said facetiously) to look at pictures! the reason i have so many is that i get caught up in looking at them i never get around to doing anything with them...people hide their photos when i am around because i ignore everyone while i tiptoe through the memories...gonna be a great time in corpus christi is all i am sayin'...can't wait to see pictures of uncle jack's crew from back in the day! i am sure that Mary won't mind my ignoring her...but wait, she has kids, and i love kids even more than looking at pictures...in fact, i will be taking so many more pictures i won't have time to look at pictures...well, you get the point...

learning to scan (to the tune of learning to fly)

apologies to tom petty and the heartbreakers...

we got a whole shitload of pictures so i will be lucky to finish this project by the time we retire and hit the road, which is the whole point of the exercise...get rid of the hard copies so the load will be lightened for the fifth wheeler...i don't think mark will let me cart five totes of these around the country, although i could let everyone we visit take their pick...
 
what a concept...all your pictures on a flash drive or disc...i am old school and think they should be in an album or loose so you can sort through them every time you want to see them, not in a folder where you can look up exactly what you want...where is the fun in that, not dredging up memories as you search?

oh well, i will move into the 20th century, kicking and screaming, but you can bet i will save some in a secret stash to dig out and look at when we are somewhere i don't have the computer...

too many projects/too much hair

i titled this blog randomness for a reason: i will talk about anything at any given time...

i am starting to crochet again...

i checked out books from the library...

i am cleaning out the file cabinet by sorting and shredding old documents...

i need to start scanning pictures onto the computer for transfer to discs for storage...

who has time for laundry, much less finding a job?

oh, did i mention the hair on my head is growing back? but not as fast as the hair on my chin...

at least i don't have to shave my legs yet...

Go Chuck!

Chuck is my ex-husband and the biological father of my daughter, Heather.

Today is Chuck's first birthday.  His sobriety birthday.  I am so proud of him.  He deserves to have his life in control.  He is one of the best, smartest, musically eclectic people I know.  Being able to enjoy his intelligence and wit has been a joy my whole life, but this last year, knowing he has been working on his own self has really made me appreciate him as more than the man who I grew into adulthood with.

He is strong and I know he will continue to fight his battle because he wants it this time.

I love you, Chucko, and thank you for being you!

New Year's resolutions

Nope, don't have any.

Except to have the most uneventful year ever.

For those of you who have been following my blog, or see me on facebook, or get emails from me, you know that I had a full year in 2010.

Lost my mother-in-law, Adele Zimmerman, in January.

Diagnosed with breast cancer in April.

Mastectomy and Reconstruction Surgery in May.

Recuperation for the next few months.

Lost my brother-in-law, Neill Sorensen in July.

Chemotherapy in September and October.

Hospitalized with an E Coli infection in October.

Luckily, through all this I have had Mark. And Heather. And Terry. And Leah. And Dana. Those are just the people that were there physically.  I have had, literally, hundreds of other people rooting for me, pulling for me, praying for me, sending me cards and letters and flowers, and thinking of me as I travel the road to recovery.

So I am only hoping that 2011 allows everyone else to take a break from my problems.

Happy New Year!

I am back...and this time I really mean it!

First off, Merry Christmas!

I have missed posting but I needed to gather my thoughts before I could write them down.  I am usually "off the cuff" but felt that I needed to compose something epic.

Oh, screw that noise, I am just going to talk about myself, my favorite subject!  Besides, all that "composing" crap is just me being lazy!

As of my last foray into the blog world, I completed chemo a week after spending a week in the hospital with an E coli infection.  The infection was worse than the cancer surgery, reconstruction, recovery and chemo wrapped all together.  At least it felt that way.  Maybe it is like childbirth, as time progresses, you forget how bad it was.

Unfortunately, I had a C section so I have no idea how bad childbirth is as far as labor and pain go.  Then I had the painless process of having two stepsons bestowed upon me.

Therefore, the infection, in my memory, has been the worst experience health wise that I can remember.  As time goes on, I am sure that something will replace it.  Or not.  I hope I don't have anything that bad happen again.  I try to take care of myself, but when I fail, I have Mark to help me.

So with this being the holiday season, I would like to say that I appreciate my family.  All of them, near and far, and they are all pretty far away, Heather is the closest in proximity in California.  Nick in Michigan.  Tony in New York.  But I have Mark here with me and that is what counts.  Kids move on with their own lives.  That is human nature.and I can deal with that.  Except when I can't.  Then Mark holds me when I cry.

Looking forward to keeping you all up to date on my status on a more regular basis, but for now, just letting you all know that I am still here and am getting stronger and healthier every day!

Happy New Year, too!

I am back

I have been away due to recovery from an infection, which I will address in a later post.  In the meantime, I have a special subject I want to write about.  My daughter, Heather.

She is 23 years old.  She just got her first job.  I am so proud of her.  She is my sunshine.  I hope she has the happiness I have always wished for her.  She is far away from me, in California, but not as far away as Michigan, so I want her to know how much I love her and want her to be successful in life as I will not always be here for her physically.  I will always be in her heart, as she will be in mine.

I LOVE YOU, HEATHER!